Top 4 worst films of 2017

by Brandon Matzke

I decided that I’d cover this topic earlier than I would my top 10 best films of the year, as I want this year to end on a high note. However, that means I have to discuss the worst films I saw from this year. Oh joy. Well, I might as well say that I haven’t watched every bad movie from this year, and I honestly don’t want to. So, there’s no Emoji Movie or Wish Upon, because quite frankly I don’t want to torture myself that badly. But don’t worry: there’s still plenty of material! ….(sobs)

4. The Dark Tower

When I walked out of this film, I was stunned. Not in the way I was after watching other Stephen King adaptations like The Shining or Shawshank, but in the way you’d be stunned after watching a violent train crash. This film is trying to be way too many things at once: is it a deep philosophical film? Is it a dumb action flick? Is it a fantasy movie? Is it a horror movie? The film has literally no clue what it is, and just focuses on one thing: money. First of all, I had no idea if this was supposed to be an adaptation, or a sequel, or what it was. If you need to read an entire Stephen King book series to understand what you’re watching, chances are it’s not worth your time. Matthew McConaughey gives a performance so terrible that it makes the cast of Maximum Overdrive look Oscar-worthy, the script is extremely cluttered and confused, and this film just reeks of Stephen King cliches. What should’ve been the most epic film based on King’s work ended up being one of the most forgettable of his adaptations.

3. The Mummy

Based on the classic 1930s horror flick (and I do mean 1930s, since the ‘99 version was a remake), this retelling of The Mummy stars Tom Cruise (or should I say his ego) as the most cliched and desperate attempt at being an action movie star. This movie (like Dark Tower) has no idea what it’s trying to be, and ends up completely imploding on itself. The script is absolutely awful, from the 52 year old Russell Crowe calling the 55 year old Tom Cruise a “young man” (gee I wonder who wrote that line), to the cluttered and overly confusing motivation of the title character, this film is the definition of rushed. It’s so rushed, the first trailer wasn’t even finished when it was released! I put a link here because holy cow it’s hysterical. This film is lazily directed, poorly written, and just feels like a cliche. The universal monsters deserve a comeback, but not like this!

2. Transformers: The Last Knight

Michael Bay, just stop. I seriously consider Bay to be the worst director working today, and this film only proves my point. According to Bay, “girl power,” as those terrible trailers showed off, is only having 5 minutes of screen time and not even doing anything important to the so-called plot. Like any Bay movie, the acting is terrible! Mark Wahlberg basically sleep walks throughout the film, never showing any emotions, or charisma, or even reacting to anything. I could probably punch him in the face, and he wouldn’t even flinch! The plot makes literally no sense, but it’s probably the result of trapping 12 writers in a room decorated with Transformers memorabilia as Bay proclaimed. Here’s the thing about writing movies: when you have twelve people writing a script at the same time, there’s always going to be a major loss in communication. One idea can be misinterpreted by another, or arguments break out, or plot points are ignored or dropped. It’s a miracle if even three can make a decent film! And this film only proves that. At least this awful line of Transformers films is over. Wait, I take it back. They’re making 14 more movies

1. The Bye Bye Man

This is seriously one of the worst horror films I have ever seen. I thought horror films couldn’t get any worse after The Wicker Man (2006), but The Bye Bye Man couldn’t wait to prove me wrong. This film is laughably bad from the opening tracking shot with atrocious acting, to the so-called “cliffhanger” (which is really just a desperate attempt to make this a franchise). The characters in this film are absolutely terrible, from the so-called teens trying to make the film watchable (and failing), to the laughably bad “adults”, it’s an epic failure all around. And I haven’t even gotten into the script (one that’s only use should’ve been toilet paper), the stupid attempts at directing, and that stock violin sound they play about 10 TIMES to achieve “tension.” This is one of the worst films of the decade, one of the worst horror films of recent memory, and easily one of the worst films I’ve seen in my early career. My advice: don’t say it, don’t think it, don’t watch it.

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